The news of California on fire and Atlanta running dry has troubled me to the point where I have decided never to put another moment of my time into the pointless and joyless pursuit of 'thinking about my future.' What for? We are being torched for our collective transgressions; Mother Earth is ridding itself of this pestilent species. Christ, we have another two generations, at most, left if we continue this way and there are no signs of stopping. Good people are needed to lift [off] the curse-good people with their eyes on the prize, with solid brass balls, with an appetite for [some of that] good, old time Christian revenge. The kind of barbaric Front that eats tyrants for breakfast and spits their bones out at lunch. A real vicious pack of wolves.
I say all this because an insider friend on the presidential elections trail has alerted me to the fact [or was it a hearty rumor?] that 2/3rds of the Republican hopefuls, half of the Democrats, and all of the Independents are gathering together at discreet locations and imbibing heavy doses of a rare Amazonian drug that simultaneously fires neurons in the sector of the brain responsible for speech and produces non-stop amounts of semen (and in the case of Democratic hopeful, Senator [Hillary] Clinton-who has been to every [single] one of these maniacal, agenda-setting orgies, always without Bill-excessive amounts of vaginal juices). Allegedly, what seems to happen every time is a mixed event- half gibberish confessional and strategy planning matches with equal amounts of vigorous homosexual sex and gangbangings, and of course, multiple dirty tag-teams on Senator Clinton. At no point, it appears, do any of the candidates stop [babbling], [not] even to catch their breath, but only to take another shot of the mysterious elixir that produces this frenzied romp.
At their last gathering about 100 miles north of Billings, Montana, this event took a nasty turn, when after the maniacs had come down from their outrageous behavior, pretty-boy senator, John Edwards accused Rudolph Giuliani and Mitt Romney of using his "mill house" (his word, roughly translated as "asshole") in an attempt to prove one another's "greater manliness." This was mentally recorded and passed onto aforementioned friend by the surgeon who was called in to deliver local anesthesia and twenty seven stitches to the poor man's "mill house." Amongst other gross scenes of debauchery, the surgeon made a special note to report that Senator Barack Obama was laid, passed out in a pile of human feces, still mumbling something about the need for "concentration camps for unruly citizens and nigger-lovers." Clinton was sitting in an armchair with a neon green rubber dildo in her mouth to (as naked and scarred Congressman Ron Paul of Texas noted), prevent herself from leaking lucrative campaign funding sources for any candidate who would lobby for the invasion of Great Britain and Japan. The [good] surgeon confirmed that Bill was not present, and he suspects this is one way that the Senator is repaying him for the Zippergate scandals of her husband's presidency.
This may sound very explosive to you my friend, and you may want to reach for your phone to call your polling office and cancel your party affiliation, whatever it may be. Don't do it! For God's sake, they'll be onto you, and then you'll be a ruined man, a hunted man. These kind of freaks will stop at nothing for total control, Absolute Power.
Good people are needed.
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